Written by T’Ericka L. Stelivan
On June 2, 2026, I spoke at a city council meeting for the first time, addressing the inhumane treatment I witnessed in Sangamon County jail. During that time, I met Ken Pacha and Sontae Massey. They attended the Sangamon County sheriff board meeting with me as well & really showed up for me during a very vulnerable moment in my life, and that meant something to me. From that point on, I considered both of them, my brothers, and Ken my ally.
My attendance at city council meetings has always been sporadic because I work a lot; however, most nights after the meetings, some of the attendees and I would talk, which is something I always look forward to. I truly love that the most about city council meetings, the fact that you get the opportunity to meet people who are just as passionate about community issues and what’s going on in our society. I call them everything under the sun conversations. They always start with politics and lead into astrology and other banter; I cherish that.
I’ve met so many amazing people, some I consider allies. Some I now consider family. And in my community, calling someone a brother or a sister or a friend or an ally means something to me, and calling you family means everything.
On the night of August 5, 2026, after a city council meeting, Ken Pacha and I were walking to my car, talking, getting ready to leave. I hugged him & said, Have a good night, brother. For some reason, he hugged me for hella hella long- not literally, but like in hug world, 5 seconds is a long time to hug someone you know? I’m thinking to myself, oooohkay, when is he gonna let me go? – Afterwards, he smiled & said, ” Sorry, I just like to give really good hugs.
I didn’t want to make things any more uncomfortable than they already were, but to make the experience even more disgusting & uncomfortable, after he released his arms from around me, he gazed into my eyes and leaned in for a kiss. I made this awkward expression with my face & lips, turned around to get in my car & never said anything about it & neither did he. He stood there for a moment, looking awkward even after I was in my car, but didn’t even have the decency to apologize after I rejected his unwelcome gesture.
To know me is to know that I keep everything close to my heart & in my inner circle. After that night, in my mind I no longer looked at Ken as an ally or brother but a cheater, a liar & a fraud. I removed him from my close vicinity and moved forward like nothing ever happened; honestly, that kills people more than anything.
I was married to a liar & cheater once too, so I know from experience that bringing this kind of behavior to light only creates a war between the women involved. When I spoke at city council for the first time, I actually met & hugged his wife & woman to woman; that means something to me. No woman deserves to be dragged down even more by the reality of being with a narcissistic, manipulative man with a savior complex.
We made plans for me to come to the radio station because I’ve been laying out a rollout strategy for my business, so we talked about that in our conversations. In my mind, I had just been blessed to know a friend with a radio station, but all of that went out the window & was never gonna happen after August 5, 2026. I completely distanced myself from him, but for some reason, he never stopped going out of his way to speak to me at meetings. I gave him that dry hello that most women know how to give to weirdos, but after that night he invited me to the radio station twice; I never went.
Fast forward to recently, on October 26, I had a business meeting that I’d been looking forward to, with someone I admire & respect for a lot of reasons, but basically it was just me being told about available money, some unreciprocated flirting & me being offered a quid pro quo arrangement. His behavior in our business meeting was completely out of line. He apologized before I could get out of the door & begged me to forgive him for not controlling himself.
He later texted me apologizing, expressing that he always admired and wanted me, didn’t know if he would get the chance again & got ahead of himself. What he did was unacceptable, but at least he took full accountability for his actions. I will continue keeping his name close to my heart because the thing is, my mission was never to expose anyone’s name, just to shed light on an issue many women have experienced while trying to make a way for themselves.
But for some odd reason, Mr. ally media guy, Ken Pacha, is calling me a liar.
On October 27, at city council, I spoke about my experience during that business meeting & summarized a pattern of behavior I continue to experience from men in power. I mentioned that there were two men in the room who also owed me an apology for objectifying me. One of those men is Ken Pacha. That same night, Ken Pacha went out of his way to reach out to me, basically asking who I was talking about in the meeting, so after never speaking to him about anything that happened, I told him he is definitely 1 of the 2 men who owe me an apology. I won’t say the second man’s name in this essay.
Not only did Ken Pacha completely deny anything that he did, but just like the manipulator he is, he took it a step further & completely insulted me & everything I stand for by saying I came onto him. Mind you, I considered him an ally & a brother & he tried to kiss me. Like I said, in my community calling someone a brother or a sister or a friend or an ally means something to me & calling you family means everything. In my community, you just don’t come onto someone you call family.
Ken is completely rewriting the truth & outright lying. In his version of events, I came onto him & I made him uncomfortable. Which doesn’t add up based on his actions from August 5, 2026-October 27, 2026. I understand why he’s lying, though; this is a man who’s been performing as a safe space for black women, an ally & apparently a loyal husband too, so this is not a good look for his image.
Ken has positioned himself as an ally, somebody who advocates for marginalized people, somebody who creates space for Black people, and somebody who cares about the community. And that’s exactly why this situation bothers me. There’s a difference between advocating for marginalized people and enjoying the social position that comes with being perceived as their advocate.
There’s a difference between talking about protecting people and respecting their boundaries when you personally want something from them. You cannot build an identity around being a safe space for Black people and then dismiss a Black woman’s experience when she tells you that your behavior made her uncomfortable. You cannot spend your time criticizing people in positions of power for their behavior while expecting your own behavior to be exempt from scrutiny.
ALLYSHIP IS NOT A PERSONALITY TRAIT.
It’s demonstrated through your actions.
And honestly, I think my community sometimes gets so caught up in celebrating the people who appear to be doing the work that we forget to examine the people themselves. We give people platforms. We give them recognition. We give them access to our stories, our experiences, our vulnerabilities, and our trust. But what happens when the person we’ve welcomed into our community becomes somebody we need protection FROM?
What happens when the person who claims to be a voice for the community is the same person whose behavior makes members of that community uncomfortable?
What happens when the people who are supposed to hold others accountable become defensive the moment somebody holds them accountable?
We have to stop confusing visibility with integrity. We have to stop confusing access with character. And we have to stop giving people unlimited grace simply because they have convinced everybody around them that they’re doing good
Deeper still, & this will ruffle some feathers, but, in my 29 years, I have never & will never in my life, in the name of my ancestors & my living elders… kissed, slept with, or had any type of intimacy with a white man & I pride myself on that. As revolutionary as Ken aims to be, as much of an ally as he aspires to be, he still could never be someone I would come onto; I simply don’t have those feelings for white men.
This harmful behavior goes all the way back to slavery; Black women were not afforded the same protections, privacy, or bodily autonomy that white women were supposedly entitled to under the social standards of the time. Black women were subjected to sexual violence, forced reproduction, physical exploitation, and the complete disregard of their personal autonomy.
Our bodies were treated as property. Our labor was extracted. Our children could be taken away. Our relationships were not protected. And our ability to say no was systematically disregarded by a society that did not recognize us as fully entitled to control over our own bodies.
There was no meaningful protection for a Black woman simply because she was a black woman. In fact, the exploitation of Black women’s bodies was deeply embedded in the economic and social structure of slavery. And when slavery ended, the mentality that made those violations possible did not disappear overnight. It evolved.
When you’re trying to establish yourself, relationships matter. Introductions matter. Partnerships matter. Funding matters. Access matters. And sometimes the people who control those resources are the same people you’re expected to build relationships with. Think about that.
You’re trying to establish a business. You’re trying to secure opportunities. You’re trying to meet people who can help you understand the systems around you. You attend meetings. You introduce yourself. You network. You participate in conversations.
And sometimes, instead of being viewed as a potential business partner, you’re viewed through the lens of somebody’s personal attraction. Now you’re left wondering whether an opportunity is actually an opportunity or whether there’s an expectation attached to it.
And THAT is the problem.
When a woman has to wonder whether professional access is conditional upon entertaining somebody personally, the entire environment becomes compromised. I don’t want to have to calculate whether rejecting an advance will affect a potential partnership. I don’t want to feel like I have to choose between my personal boundaries and my professional advancement.
I’m thinking about educational access, enrichment, transportation, housing, and the resources that help young people establish stability. I’m thinking about generational wealth. I’m thinking about my son. I’m thinking about the children who will eventually benefit from what I’m creating. I’m thinking about my bloodline. And I don’t have the time, energy, or interest to become entangled in a man’s personal expectations of me.
Sometimes I genuinely wonder whether there will ever be a space, a system, or a world with men in it where ALL women, but especially Black women, can be protected and respected.
Not protected because somebody wants to possess us. Not respected because somebody wants something from us. Not valued because we’re attractive, accommodating, useful, or connected. But respected simply because we’re human beings.
Will there ever be a world where a woman can say no without having to prepare for retaliation, humiliation, or character assassination?
Will there ever be a world where men understand that being friendly does not mean being interested?
And will there ever be a world where the people who claim to advocate for women understand that accountability applies to them, too?
I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that we cannot keep building communities where women are encouraged to participate but not adequately protected when they do. We cannot keep creating platforms for people while ignoring the experiences of the people those platforms supposedly serve. And we cannot keep telling Black women to use their voices while punishing them for what comes out of their mouths.
I’m tired of the expectation that we should absorb discomfort to preserve relationships. I’m tired of the idea that a man’s reputation is somehow more important than a woman’s right to describe her own experience. And I’m tired of people making movements out of my community while forgetting that the people within the community deserve to be treated with dignity, too.
I’m actually furious, disgusted & insulted by all of this, not only because he tried to kiss me with a mouth as unhygienic as his looks, but because he’s calling me a liar.
This is someone I truly considered an ally & a brother & he tried to kiss me. I wonder if he ever viewed me as family or if the conversations we had were just his way of getting close to me so he could make a move. I thought he was a respectable man with integrity, but it turns out he’s just as full of shit & as predatory as he expresses certain people in our local government are.
But actually, he’s more poisonous because he makes it his mission to get close to the marginalized & vulnerable & performs as our savior & our voice. In my community, that is what you call a true snake. I’m tired of frauds making a movement out of my community while actively causing harm. I have to say this because, honestly, the more I think about this situation, the more disgusted I become.
Ken Pacha is a liar, a fraud, a manipulator, and a man who, in my opinion, has a very distorted understanding of what it means to be an ally to women. This wasn’t some random man I crossed paths with one evening. This was somebody I welcomed into my circle. Somebody I had conversations with, laughed with, exchanged ideas with, and genuinely considered a brother.
When I first started showing up to City Council, he and Sontae were two people who showed up for me during a vulnerable moment. I appreciated that. I respected that. I don’t walk around handing out the title of brother just because somebody was friendly to me.
That’s why August 5 bothered me the way it did.
I wasn’t on a date. I wasn’t flirting. I wasn’t sending mixed signals. I wasn’t trying to see where things could go. I was saying goodnight to somebody I considered a brother. I hugged him, and that hug turned into an interaction I never asked for or welcomed.
And what did I do? I backed away. I got in my car. I went home. I didn’t make a scene, I didn’t embarrass him in front of anybody, and I didn’t immediately run around telling his wife and everybody what happened. I simply changed how I interacted with him. Because once somebody changes the way you see them, you don’t always feel the need to announce it; you just move differently.
I stopped entertaining the radio station invitations. I stopped treating him like somebody I wanted to build a connection with. When he spoke to me at meetings, I kept it cordial, but that was about it.
So imagine my disgust when I later spoke about my experiences with men in positions of influence, and he reached out to ask who the men I was referring to were. I told him he was one, & instead of acknowledging my account, he denied what happened and accused me of coming on to him.
Excuse me?
And that’s what I find so manipulative about this entire situation. It’s not enough that I had an experience that made me uncomfortable. Now there’s an attempt to flip the narrative and put my credibility on trial & I find it especially disappointing coming from somebody who publicly presents himself as a friend to the community and an ally to Black people.
Because I genuinely believed that was who he was. And that’s the part people sometimes overlook. Betrayal rarely comes from somebody you already know is a bad person. Most times it comes from somebody you trusted. I know what version of himself Ken wants people to believe, but the version I encountered changed the way I view him permanently. And I’m not interested in pretending otherwise.
I’m not diagnosing anybody, but I will absolutely call out narcissistic, self-serving, manipulative behavior when I experience it. A man does not become an ally simply because he knows how to speak the language of community. He doesn’t become trustworthy because he shows up to meetings, holds conversations, supports certain causes, or knows how to make himself look good in public. And being a community voice does not automatically make somebody a good man in his private interactions.
I think we have to get better at separating a person’s public image from their actual character. We have to stop treating men as untouchable simply because they have built relationships, hold influence, or have made contributions to the community. Nobody should be above accountability, and nobody should have to question their own experience just because the person involved has a reputation to maintain.
I don’t hate the man. But I damn sure don’t look at him the same. I can appreciate the moments when somebody showed up for me and still acknowledge that their later behavior changed my opinion of them. Both things can be true. What somebody did for me on one occasion does not purchase unlimited access to my trust, my friendship, or my silence.
And perhaps that’s the bigger lesson here: stop confusing access to a woman’s kindness with permission to test her boundaries. Stop confusing her friendliness with romantic interest. And stop assuming that because she once called you brother, she will protect you when your actions no longer reflect the relationship she thought you had.
I meant it when I called him brother.
That’s what makes this disappointing.
But I also mean it when I say I no longer see him that way.
My name is T’Ericka Latrice Stelivan & I’m just a girl out here tryna make a way for me & my bloodline & I’m a whoooole lot of things; a liar & a fraud is something I’ll never be.
And if there’s one thing I hope people take away from everything I’ve shared, it’s that women shouldn’t have to sacrifice their dignity, compromise their boundaries, or defend their character just to exist in spaces where they’re trying to grow. Especially not Black women. We deserve to be in the room, build the relationships, secure the opportunities, have the conversations, and do the work without having to worry about somebody else’s personal agenda.
I’m not asking for special treatment. I’m asking for the same consideration and humanity that everybody else seems to get without having to fight for it. I’m asking to be protected and respected too.